this is really sad...my fav singer Ayumi Hamasaki just updated her official fan club with a message from her...about her left ear gone completely deaf. It is really depressing...sooner or later when she loses hearing from her right ear, she won't be able to sing or perform anymore. I always look forward to new songs and concerts from her and to know that the day where she will retire could be anytime soon makes me sad. I don't want her to retire because of not being able to sing but for a better reason like getting married or something. Knowing that when she retires means retiring for good with no comebacks is just really sad. 

2007 was full of good and bad from ayu. She gives us good stuff and bad stuff happens to her. She definitely gave her fans full of good stuff last year with her asia tour, A BEST 2 albums, her great newly released album GUILTY, and her awesome countdown live concert. Bad stuff happened to her...was accused of lipsinging in her HK concert, broke up with her bf of 7 years,  her very close friend that she's been friends with before she became a singer recently commited suicide and passed away...and now completely lost her hearing in her left ear.

I knew she had problem with her left ear back in 2001 during her dome tour where she said she would hear loud constant ringing noise which gives her headaches and it doesn't stop no matter what. She also lost her balance and fell into the stage hole during rehearsal. Few years later in 2004 there was a interview and she mentioned how she can't talk on the phone with her left ear...and now she can't hear completely. 

Here is the the translation from her message that she post yesterday: 

I have a wild aspiration this year.

last year, i went for an ear inspection and my left ear has completely gone deaf. it's confirmed that there's neither therapy or cure for it.

despite the news, i still wish to be a singer.

i'm going to persevere and keep on singing even if it's going to take my right ear's ability away too.

i'm not going to give up.

i'm not going to find any excuses.

as a professional singer, i will definitely deliver my best vocal and performance to everybody.

gambatte! i don't like it this way either.

gambatte! definitely!

until that day comes...

 and this one from today:

Hmm..
There's a lot of replies coming from everyone.. and even till now it's still not stopping yet..
Hmm.. regarding that... yes..

No matter when i will always try my best, using my own language to express all my thoughts and feelings to everyone.. i guess everyone should be able to understand me.

Yea, this is how i believe it.
Therefore, i decided to write it.
This has been kept secret in my heart.. without even telling my family and staffs whom i love..

No. Strictly speaking it's not like this..
I had only told mama about this. (Her godmother)
Regarding the fact that my left ear had completely lost its function..

Wanted to go to the hospital because i truly felt some changes in my ears..
Although i kept telling those around me that it's due to some new changes in the earphone..
Honestly, when the doctor told me it's not treatable anymore,
that it's too late, my mind just went blank.

Funny that somewhere in my heart i thought that if i took some time out to do the operation, it will be cured.
But i was wrong.

I can still remember the firm look on the doctor's face..
A pitying, very sorry look.

Therefore, i laughed.
Even though i dunno why, but i continue to laugh.
I said this and i laughed.
I quietly returned to my ward, surrounded by my beloved staffs.
However, please do not view what i'm going to say next in a pessimistic way.

I had accepted the fact.
Furthermore i'm not feeling despaired, instead i saw the light of hope.
Hope everyone could understand.

Reason being, didn't all of u said u want to become my left ear?
Didn't everyone said that in order to let me hear it, you will cheer for me even louder?
Correct?
Thus, i have to more forward together with my right ear-san.
I'm not forcing myself.
Because to me that's a happy matter.

Pleae do not worry!!!!!!!!!!!

From today onwards i will continue to move forward like this~~~!!!!
Yes, let's move on together!!!!!
I want to show u the dream
it wouldn't end, wouldn't disappear..
I want you to have such a dream.
That is my wish.
Thanks everyone... all of u... all of u...
Thank you mama (godmother)
Thank you,
my most beloved sister (Note, should be referring to her recently passed away sister, Natsuki)

Let's walk together 10th anniversary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last year in the asia cnn interview she said music is her life and without music she is nothing like she's dead. I guess because music is something that she loves, she will continue even if she loses hearing in her right ear too. Her recently released album GUILTY had a lot of depressing lyrics and she said before that her lyrics reflects her current feelings. As much as I love her depressing songs, I hope she can be happy.

Yes finally...I got myself a new desk and shelf.  Now I can work in my room again and avoid some nagging...hehe.  For the past few months I haven't been really doing any dolly stuff except for sewing...so I'm planning to do customizing again. So far there's 4 dolls waiting for me to do make overs. 2 of them require new rerooting work, another needs a hair cut, and finally the 4th one needs to be re-rerooted. Yes I have to reroot the hair that I rerooted already. -____-. I messed her up pretty good. The rerooting work was fine. I just stupidly cut her bangs too short and gave her a really ugly perming...so I'm just gonna mind as well reroot her again. I'll be busy rerooting for a while.

Something else for me to buy besides the 2 dolls I wanted....its Ayu's new album! She's releasing her 9th studio album on Jan 1st and its called [GUILTY]. It's expected that this album will have a sad and dark theme coz recently a very close person of hers passed away and that affected her alot. Some of her fans from the forum was saying it could be her mom....but I don't know. Well I just hope she'll be ok. There was a period in her career where she was really depressed...and that's when she produced some of her best songs. I don't wanna be a bad fan but I prefer her depressed songs more than her happy ones. Her latest song Together When... is a really great song. I've been listening to it few times a day. Very emotional and sad lyrics. Well I'm happy she's still capable of making good music after all these years. Next year will be her 10th anniversary. Knowing avex as being a money hungry record company, I bet they'll release alot of her stuff next year to celebrate. I'm gonna be poor! lol...

Today started snowing for the first time this year....actually it might of snowed last night...but whatever I was sleeping...lol Despite being very cold outside, I went out to take pics...hehe

Mod Molly official promo pics!! She will be out on Dec 14th!

omg....I really want her. She's so cute~!! Now there's 2 dolls on my list...o_O

Today...well most of the day...I was quite happy. I got some new orders and the ones that need to be shipped out tomorrow, I finished them all according to plan. (I try to make myself finish a certain amount a day so I don't fall behind)...since Christmas is coming up, I've been spending money on Christmas gifts and some new clothes for myself..and ofcourse paying off my monthly bills as usual. I was fortunate I was able to pay for most of the gifts already and they're the expensive ones too...that was a relieve. My whole Christmas savings plan was to be able to pay for all the Christmas gifts, all the bills including December's, and have some money for Boxing Day shopping spree....and also the ultimate tour momolita Blythe I wanted (which I was planning to get after Christmas in January as a late Christmas gift for myself)...but now I will have to delay and cancel part of my plan. =(

Honestly I am quite depressed right now...everything was going smoothly like I hoped for and I felt very lucky for it to happen but I guess I really miscalculated some things. Well....my mom said she would pay for some of the things I need when they get the cheque they're expecting. (which they did already) but its been a few days they got it and my mom didn't mention anything about giving me money...so I decided to ask her after dinner today...it took a lot of courage coz I really don't like asking for things and money even if its my mom. The reason I asked her coz she said to me a few times before that when they get the cheque, she would give me money to buy a winter coat, a desk (which I really need), and pay 2/3 if not 1/3 of my credit card they used. (which I've been paying for monthly for the past 1 1/2 year)....the coat and the desk I can save up to get so I just mentioned the credit card coz that's a lot of money which I really don't wanna pay but my mom told me she can't pay for it but she can pay for the minimum payment, which I paid for it already for this month. What's worse is she talked about how I stay at home and stuff like I don't do anything. I told her even though I stay at home a lot, I make money. I really felt like telling her what I do at home is what's been paying for the credit card they used. It makes me really sad coz I strongly feels my mom is ashame of me for not going to school or have a job but instead sew all day at home. She doesn't understand that working at home is not that bad. She always wants me to do this to do that, go to school and get a part time job. I'm going back to school like she wants me to...I'm just waiting for her to pay for it like she said she would. I am making more than part time at home right now...and I understand I can't do this forever and I will find a job after I finish the courses next year...so please stop stressing me out. >.< Honestly I've been on a stand by since september for her to pay for my courses...its not like I asked her to...she said it first that she would just like everything else she said she would pay...so I never had the thought of putting aside money for them.

Seriously I'm not trying to be a spoiled brat by getting my mom to pay for everything but she was the one who started everything by telling me she would pay and get me those things...not just once but several times...and I really took her words seriously. Now I know I cannot rely on her anymore. No matter how many times she say she would pay, I'm just gonna ignore her and if she does eventually do as she say then I'm just gonna treat it as a bonus. Its ok if she can't...coz I know sometimes we're short on money and I understand that but please don't say stuff that you cannot do. I hate that a lot. Its like she told me she would get me a coat last year and then spring came and she told me she would get me one this year...and then for the past few months she said she would in october and then november came...then she said she would by the end of this year. Its getting cold now and when I go out she yells at me for not wearing a coat and I told her the 2 jackets I have is not long enough. (and I really don't like them)...ok that part is ok...its my fault for not having longer jackets. This whole time I've been thinking maybe the reason why she still haven't given me money to buy a coat is because she doesn't have money...so I never once mentioned it...only she mentions it....but then she bought a juicy bag recently which is more than the cost of a coat and also been buying clothes for herself. I really don't know what to feel about that. Well all I can say is...its her money and she's my mom...she can choose to buy whatever she wants to...and just screw all that... I'm just gonna get a coat myself and the rest of the things.

Now that I have to save for a coat, a desk, and pay for next month's credit card payment, I think I'll have to cancel my boxing day shopping spree funds and have to delay getting my doll to god knows when...=( If there is a miracle, maybe I might still be able to have a boxing day mini spree...sigh...I really shouldn't of depended on my mom. I don't wanna be bad but I really want to make my mom feel bad by getting those things with my own money that I earned at home! All I can do now is work harder and try to sell more things and hopefully I can afford them very soon and make her feel bad. I know that's not right for wanting to make my mom feel bad but I just really want to shut her up.

Yesterday I went to the mall with my high school friend and my blythe daughter Mio. We spent a few hours shopping in the mall and Mio was in my bag most of the time...I only took her out during our bubble tea break at the food court. =D My high school friend took a bunch of pics of Mio, while I only took one...XD


Mio @ Metrotown food court

The bubble tea was green apple slush....it was horrible...>.<...too sweet...and it wasn't even fresh fruit like some places...

Holy crap...I feel like buying a Blythe....XD I haven't felt like this for a few months now...and the one I wanna buy is like $300 bucks..omg...o_O

Ok...this whole thing started about few days ago when I signed up at facebook and found some of my high school friends that I haven't stayed in contact since high school. I started chatting with one of them on msn and we talked about Blythe. I guess she got interested after seeing my website and stuff? anyways, she wants to have one and I've been trying to help her with her questions on Blythe and buying online, etc. and now she's bidding on I think 2? and she sent me the ebay links to them. I was looking at them...which got me wanting to see other dolls on ebay...and so I did...XD First time I thought to myself...wow the prices went up! even for just a regular one! Almost all of them now are over $100. All of my girls value went up as well...which made me feel thankful for getting them when it was cheaper....lol...then I came across one that I remembered being excited about when the official drawings of it came out....but then I didn't like it after seeing the promo pic of the real thing (I think I wrote a entry about it before) It was ultimate tour momolita...sigh...I guess that doll being a RBL kinda made me not like it before...(I don't like RBLs) and so I didn't buy it before. I mean...I liked everything about it...the hair, make-up, outfits...I didn't buy it because it was a RBL. That was foolish of me...and now I really really want one....after seeing close up pics of it...so cute!! T_______T...and now the price went up...and I'll have to pay the high price... oh man...just when I'm starting to save for boxing day spree and now this...but can I really afford this? I dunno...T______T....but I'll try my best to!! I want one so freakin badly!...omg...

Its been a while since my last journal entry and even longer since my last entry about my dolls. For the past month and a half, I've been busy with moving and everything...now that everything is done, I have more time to do my hobbies. Last weekend my bf took me to fabricana in Coquitlam coz the one in Richmond didn't have what I wanted to restock. The one in Coquitlam was pretty big but it feels like Richmond was bigger...anyways, they didn't have it too...but I managed to find some fabrics that the Richmond one didn't have...I was quite happy. I'm glad my bf took me there. Thanks! =D Now I have to think what to do with them...lol

Yesterday I spent some time fixing up my dollies...brushing their hair and changing their clothes. They were in a bin at my bf's house for about a month...so their hair was quite messy and they didn't look too happy..=( I also took some pics of the clothes I've been wanting to put up on my website for a long time. My room turned into a mini studio and my dollies were like models waiting for their photos to be taken...I thought that was kinda funny. It's been a while since I last took pics of them.

I've been looking at my website and I don't like how it looks anymore. I'm planning to completely change the look...I kinda want to have a black background and make the box thing bigger to fit more pics and text in. Should I even update my current website right now? -_____-

I'm so excited!

Ayu's 42nd single: talkin' 2 myself will be released on September 19, 2007. Her official website just revealed the cd covers! and she looks awesome! The way she looks reminds me of her back in 2001 around the time of A BEST and I am... era. =D I'm so happy!


cd + dvd cover


cd only cover

Tracklist:
1. talkin' 2 myself
2. decision
3. fated ~acoustic version~
4. talkin' 2 myself instrumental
5. decision instrumental

dvd:
1. talkin' 2 myself pv
2. decision pv

Its rumored that decision is composed by her. Its been almost 2 years since she last composed under the name CREA. I'm looking forward hearing that song. Talkin' 2 myself was already leaked and I've been listening to the song. It's awesome! I like that song so much! =D

Holy cow...haven't updated my journal for over a month now...o_O...

For the past..almost 4 weeks, I went with my family on a trip to HK to visit relatives and stuff. Something good happened during the trip...and ofcourse something bad happened. Some of the bad stuff I had to go through was suffering from the hot weather, was forced to go to China for 6 days , couldn't really communicate with my bf, stomaches, etc. I think the worst experience was the days in China. Let's just say I don't wanna ever go back there. The good stuff was...shopping and get to see my relatives and especially the ones I haven't seen for like 17 years. I was able to see my grandma again...mom told me she's like 80 so that could be the last time I see her. I also went to visit my grandpa's grave for the first time ever since he passed away...so I pretty much went to see all my relatives in HK....that was good. =) Besides spending time with relatives, I did a lot of shopping with my mom and brother...it was crazy...too many malls and shops everywhere...o_O but I was able to buy some stuff so thats good =D


My aunts and uncles took us here to see the night view of the Victoria Bay (Is that the name?) This is one of the best pics I could take without having a tripod with me...=( I wish I had one like everyone else there...